


Do-NAY-tions

by Stilienski



Series: Sterek ficlets [23]
Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: 5+1 Things, AO3 fundraiser, Alternate Universe - Coffee Shops & Cafés, Alternate Universe - Lawyers, Alternate Universe - Pirate, Alternate Universe - Tattoo Parlor, Crack, F/M, M/M, processing OTW wank
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-15
Updated: 2018-10-15
Packaged: 2019-08-02 19:18:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 2,861
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16311128
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Stilienski/pseuds/Stilienski
Summary: Stiles is done with people dragging his favorite fanfiction site through the mud with bullshit arguments and basic idiocy. So he writes five au drabbles illustrating why exactly they're being idiots.(Wank is ever so inspiring)(Also yaaaaay for exceeding the drive goal! Go go us!)





	1. Alternate Universe - Coffee Shops & Cafés

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Lonaargh](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lonaargh/gifts).



“Hey, sorry,” The customer called for Isaac’s attention “could I bother you for just a second?” He left the table he was cleaning for what it was and put on his best there’s-nothing-I-love-more-than-working-here-and-serving-you smile. 

“Of course, how can I help?”

She gave him an apologetic looking smile “I was just wondering if that’s the sugar over there?” He followed the direction her finger was pointing at, which was indeed the serving station. 

“Yep, that’s it, right there.” He nodded and smiled again, turning around to get back to cleaning tables. Which is why he missed her smile turning sour till she spoke up again.

“So, you’re just letting everyone have access to a free and unlimited supply of sugar?” 

Isaac just turned around and blinked, because how on earth was he supposed to reply to that?

“Do you know how detrimental that is for your health?”

“Well… you don’t have to use it?” He tried to look around for anyone who could jump in and save him from whatever this situation was turning into.

She narrowed her eyes at him and made sure to slam her cup on the table with enough force that it would emphasize her undoubtedly well-educated point. “No, but people  _ can _ . It’s like you’re advertising obesity.” 

Isaac stammered for a while “That’s… no… we don’t… that’s not.” Then took a deep breath to try and stay calm. “No one has to use the extra sugar, it’s just there for people who want it.” 

“Aren’t you making people want it by putting it there in the first place?” Her voice was taking on the tone of an impatient teacher. “Look, you can’t possibly expect me to tip you…”

As if it was his fault? He was just trying to get through college with minimal debts. “Tipping isn’t mandatory, no one is forcing you to leave a ti-”

“Yes but that tip jar is still asking for it!” Who did this lady think she was?

“We’re providing you a service, so yes, it would be nice to get something in return, but we’re not forcing anybody to do that. We’re in the middle of a university city, right by campus, do you really think our average clientele has the money to spare to tip every time? No. And we don’t expect anyone to.”

“But-”

“By the way, if you’re so adamant about forcing everyone to live a healthy lifestyle… isn’t that a hot chocolate with caramel sauce and a double topping of whipped cream that you’re holding?”


	2. Alternate Universe - Lawyers

Peter had never liked this part of the job. He was a lawyer ‘cause he was good at it, he was a lawyer ‘cause it gave him a thrill. Every case another chance to win, to beat someone else, to be the best. Sadly for him, he worked at the firm where his sister was managing partner. Unlike Peter, she became a lawyer out of the goodness of her heart. It was gross. 

It was especially gross at this time of year when his sister organized the fundraisers and gave all the lawyers in the firm some extra pro bono cases. 

But even if he didn’t particularly like this part of it, he could see the benefits. Not only for the firm, but for his reputation and he assumed… for the community. However little Peter cared about the people, it probably wasn’t a good thing if more people ended up serving jail time. You know, for the economy and all that.

He understood. What he couldn’t understand was the conversation happening right there in front of him.

“Why does Talia keep doing this fundraiser every year? It’s like she isn’t rich enough already.” One of the secretaries asked a paralegal. 

“I honestly have no clue. I say let them all rot in prison, they must have done something wrong to get there.” 

“Exactly, I understand a mistake being made and someone innocent ending up there, but I doubt that’s the case with everyone she’s getting a reduced sentence. How much do you want to bet the only people who actually spend their money on funding this little pet-project of hers are people who need a get-out-of-jail free card for themselves or someone they care about? And if that’s not the people who donate, then Talia is basically just stealing their hard-earned cash.” 

“Sorry, Lucy, was it?” 

“It’s Leah.”

Peter took a step forward, finally being noticed by the pair. “I couldn’t help but overhear and I was just wondering how much you will be donating?”

“Excuse me?” She scoffed, “I am not spending my money to defend some criminals!”

“Oh, so you’ll be volunteering some of your time then? Maybe at the prison library?” 

“Come on, that library has so many bad books in there, why would you want to support that at all? It would be like advocating bad writing.” the other woman interjected. 

“I wasn’t actually talking to you, because you don’t have to donate either your time or your money. I was just under the impression that Lacy would. Since, you know, my sister got her out of a petty theft charge a couple years back? Wasn’t that a get-out-of-jail free card?” He paused and smiled “Sorry, that came out wrong. Of course you don’t have to donate, no one does. And I honestly couldn’t care less. I’m just a bit confused what exactly you’re accusing my sister of. Stealing your money? Or making you pay to get rid of that petty theft charge?”

“... neither?”

“You don’t sound too sure about that, Lizzie.”  His smile turned sharper. “I’ll just get you an appointment with my sister then. How about right now? I’m sure she’ll be more than happy to inform you in person about what exactly our project entails and why we do it. She’s so on top of everything I’m sure she’ll even show you a nice little graph of how she assumes she’ll be spending the money from the fundraiser.” He put an arm around her shoulder and guided her off to an education.


	3. Alternate Universe - Tattoo Parlor

Erica sighed as she looked out the window just to see that idiot again. And she was even carrying a sign this time. “Sorry, I’ll be right back to go through this with you in peace,” she told her way too eager client, “but I need to at least try to take care of that first.” 

As soon as she opened the door the sheer air of idiocy hit her. It smelled vaguely of stale bread, an earthquake and just something inherently… stupid. 

“Oh there she is! Satan incarnate! Already trying to tempt me!” Erica pinched the bridge of her nose, she did so not want to deal with this.

She took a deep breath, trying to keep her calm. “Ma’am I’ve already told you that this shop being here is not forcing you to use its services. You leave us alone, we leave you alone. Nobody is trying to tempt anybody.” 

“What about the children! Think of the children!”

“Minors can’t get any tattoos without explicit permission from their parents. Look, we’ve been over this a gazilli-”

“Maybe they can’t get tattoos, but you sure show them some explicit pictures! Right in your shop window!” That actually made Erica pause and check because she had no clue what on earth anyone could find explicit about the photos up in the window. “There’s skin and nudity everywhere.” Right, skin.

“You’re absolutely right, there’s a naked neck, a naked arm, a naked leg, and oh my lord, a naked back.” She violently pointed in the direction of all the mentioned body parts in the various pictures. “How on earth will the kids deal?” 

“Don’t pretend! I know you have more explicit photos in your portfolios. A neighbour told me! There’s breasts! Are you showing those to kids too?” The woman rambled on without waiting for an answer “And it’s not even about whether you’re showing it to kids or not. The fact that you let people get tattoos in such explicit places and maybe even explicit tattoos, that just supports a sex-driven culture of porno watchers!”

“Yes you’re right, it is a shame that we’re letting people get a choice over what they want to do with their bodies. Without forcing any of it on you.” There was no way to win this argument, and Erica has a business to run. So with a sigh, she went back to her shop.

Just when she opened the door, she turned to face the woman once more. “And by the way, I do support the porno watchers, in fact, I might just put that on a t-shirt and sell it. Thank you for your input.”


	4. Alternate Universe - Pirates

“Okay, crew! Listen up! Scotty is going around with the hat. As always, we ask some help to organize the annual feast. So if you have some gold to spare from our last raid, feel free to drop a couple pieces in.” Captain Boyd addressed his crew members 2 weeks before christmas. It was a little later than normal, but they’d still be fine with organizing the feast. After all, it was just for pirates, as long as there was rum and shantis it would be fine. Food was optional. 

There was a little ruckus right at the front of the group he just addressed before someone raised their hand to get his attention. “Cap’n! We won’t be donating.” 

Boyd didn’t dignify that with a response, the whole crew knew no one was forced to donate their hard earned money. So he could only assume there was an explanation to follow the outburst. 

“Yeah, we don’t even know what you spend all that money on! For all we know you might just be using it to get yourself a nice new sword.”

Boyd sadly resorted to some disappointed headshaking while he looked at Erica for support. “I don’t mind you not donating. That’s everyone’s personal choice. But I’ve also been clear that anyone’s welcome to see my budget and books if they’re not comfortable with the way I run this ship.”

“Yeah but you draw up the books yourself, you could put anything in there! How do we know you’re not lying?”

“Yeah! How do we know you’re not lying? Half of us can’t even read!”

“For all we know you could be getting that little missy of yours a proper gown for once!” Some other scallywag shouted. And Boyd actually raised his eyebrows at that. Erica had been an issue before, but only at the beginning. You know, bringing a woman on board and all that superstitious nonsense. Boyd had never had time for that. 

“Is this really about how I spend your gold or is it about the policies with which I run this ship? I thought I was clear when I let you sprogs aboard for the first time. You either join and respect me and everyone I let on this ship, including Erica, or you don’t join at all.” He took a step forward, not hesitating to puff out his chest and straighten his shoulders. “Now, make up your mind. Donate, don’t donate, whatever. But you either agree to my policies or you get off my ship.” 

“But cap’n, we’re in the middle of the ocea-”

“Did I fucking stutter?”


	5. Alternate Universe - Slavery (but not really, don't get your panties in a twist)

The sheriff was very much trying to act like he wasn’t loving every single second of this fundraiser but he was sure he was failing miserably. The atmosphere was just always so fun. The excitement, the buzz, the hilarity of the whole thing. And on top of that they were supporting a great cause. Yes, the sheriff loved it. 

Every year at the beginning of December, the department organized an auction to support the homeless shelter. They sold all sorts of things. Cakes people baked and donated, hairproducts donated by a local hairdresser, some beer, some wine… and of course there were drinks being poured all around. People spent a lot more money on drinks when they knew they were drinking for a good cause. 

Which was perfect for the most important part of the evening: the deputy auction. Well the deputy + sheriff auction. Sure, he acted all reluctant, but he was not missing out on this.

All of the participating deputies and himself were currently lined up on the stage. Stiles stood down the side of it with a microphone he didn’t really need, introducing all of them. When suddenly a guy in the audience jumped up. 

“What is this supposed to be? Some kind of advertisement for slavery?” 

“I can assure you, kind sir, that all of the participants are here of their own volition. Trust me, they are so down for it, ladies and gentlemen, you have no idea! Unless you bid on them of course, take them out on a lovely evening and find out for yourself just exactly how willing they are!” Stiles talked over it smoothly.

“Oh come on! We all know this is disgusting! It’s dispicable! If it had been women up there, all the feminazis would be up in arms about it!”

Stiles didn’t seem at all fazed by the turn of events. “You misspelled feminists, and also, may I please re-introduce Deputy Tara Graeme and Deputy Laura Hale. Both kick-ass ladies who cannot wait to get to know you bet-”

“This is vile! I can’t believe you are all supporting this kind of bullshit!” By now, two deputies who weren’t participating in the auction were making their way over to escort the guy out. 

“Sir, while you’re making a hasty retreat, I would like to take this moment to remind everyone, but especially you, that this is all in good fun and no one is forced into anything. You’re not forced to donate, they’re not forced to be up there and be auctioned off. If you don’t believe in a cause, you should not throw your money at it.” The sheriff had to swallow his grin as soon as his son got  _ that _ look in his eyes. A look that never bode well for anybody involved. 

“That being said, now you’re all sufficiently hydrated, at least a little bit intoxicated and undoubtedly rearing to go home with one of these absolutely gorgeous specimen, may I remind you that not only will your donation possibly find you a hot piece of ass to warm your lonely hearts, it will also provide shelter, food and help for all the people out there who need it more than ever during these cold winter nights.” He paused to look out in the crowd for a bit before addressing on person in particular. 

“Melissa, Scott’s got something to help your budget for this first date, but don’t worry, I’m sure my dad will take care of the next one!”

 


	6. Plus one

Stiles had never typed so furiously in his life. Definitely not while writing what was supposed to be some stupid crack fic. But he’d had it up to here, okay? If there was one thing he couldn’t deal with, it was stupidity. 

Derek had already tried to ask what was up and if he could help. But this wasn’t anything Derek could solve, this was something he just had to write off his chest. Maybe put it in the simplest of terms so everyone could understand it. Of course he wouldn’t say no if Derek brought him another cup of coffee. 

He should probably listen next time when Derek told him that the wank wasn’t good for him though. The problem with that being that Stiles loved wank too much. He could spend hours reading it, but then suddenly get so worked up that it would make him irrationally angry for the rest of the day. And when he gets like that, there’s absolutely no alternate universe where he just ignores it till it eventually goes away. 

So, he was writing it all out, all of the stupidity he’d had to read, in the form of five ridiculous drabbles featuring all of his favorite au’s and all of his favorite people. Because when someone threatened his favorite undisclosed, unspecified and super anonymous fanfiction hosting site, he’d fight back with the most ridiculous weapons in his arsenal. 

“Stiles, it’s 2am, you have classes tomorrow, would you  _ please _ come to bed?” 

“It’s almost done, Derek,” He answered distractedly from behind his keyboard, “just a second.” 

“That’s what you said the last 4 times I asked.” Derek watched on as his boyfriend’s fingers kept tapping keys at record speed. “Stiles, if you finish up now, I’ll show you just how relaxing wank can be.”

“What?” He finally looked up, while still typing up the last sentence. 

“If you would care to join your very naked husband in this very comfy bed, I can show you some wank. It can even feature pirates if you want.” Derek said with a smirk, pulling his leg up a bit so the covers could slide off his knee and show just how naked he was underneath. 

Stiles opened and closed his mouth a couple times before hurryingly closing his laptop and practically flinging it aside to finally rush to the bed. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! <3


End file.
